Saturday, March 10, 2007

Whatcha Been Doin?

  • So, am I bored being at home not working anymore? Absolutely not. There is ALWAYS something to do. Time flies by so much faster, that's the only downfall.
  • So what kinds of things do you do all day? Anything I want to do really. Having worked for 20-years, your body and brain have to process what the heck you just did, but not reluctantly, although it did take a little time. My body is getting what it finally needs: rest for one thing. I used to get up between 4:30 a.m. and 5:00 a.m. to workout before work, have a 45 minute commute or longer depending on weather, we won't go there with the job, and then the same commute home...that is what to me was boring. I felt bottled up. For the few days that I need to set an alarm, my body always wakes up about 7 a.m. reglardless of what time I went to bed, even it was a few hours ago! I am so grateful for having quit and being with my thoughts and discovering my authentic self buried under there somewhere after so many oppressed years. I literally feel free. Sure I have bad days, everyone does, but the bad days do not compare to being oppressed for years. So this is a wonderful time in my life to read both self-help and especially fiction for fun, exercise, cook and eat better, be creative, clean up the clutter I never could get to before, and you know what...ENJOY life!
  • Have you always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? Absolutely NOT! Getting married and having kids never ever crossed my mind. I know there are some very few girls out there like me, hard to find, but they are there that will admit this. And there are many more that would shriek and think that is such a selfish thing. Oh my. I guess to me, I would want the best life for a child, not the best things or just because I want a child or it's the thing to do, right? I literally did not want to be my mother. She can handle that now and so can I in saying that, since she's the person now that God wanted her to be all along, and she finally has the life she's always wanted. I absolutely choose to keep those things about my mother that I want to celebrate and remember about her, and there are MANY. And I too want to only keep those things I have been handed down from her and then to hand only those things down to another person. To me, a developing child, another person deserves that.
  • Are you still working with the youth and going to First Baptist Covington? No. Judge me all you want, but I will expound. I had nothing left to give to the youth after mom died. I needed to heal and kept going instead. With a new youth pastor at the church wanting a solid commitment, I knew I couldn't give it. I still love the teens and can still relate to them more than adults at times. As far as church, I went the Sunday right after mom had died that Friday, you could tell that someone had just died by the way I looked and cried the entire time. I needed that. It helped to get some hurt out and also trying to, for real, contemplate my faith. But church didn't do it, it was very dry to me, nor did any of the Christian sub-culture. I needed the real deal. My verbal prayers consisted of, "Father God, I know You are there and You will never leave me." Physically, I quietly ruminated that I know God is in complete control, listened to songs in a different way, read things in a different way, did everything in a different way, aware of God being in everything, and made my faith my own and did not allow someone else's beliefs, practices, or faith to be part of my faith. I didn't need "I love God," or "Jesus loves you," being told to me by people who appeared to have memorized the Bible and wanted to make a good impression or had no clue what it was like to suffer loss and then tell me they still love God. I could.

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