Friday, May 07, 2010

Happy Mother's Day and Looking Back...

I had recently looked into getting more information from the orphanage on Emma.  I felt a little greedy in a way asking for more, because the director had already given us so much.  But I felt if I don't ask, I'll never know.  The orphanage Emma was at for a year in Chenzhou was part of the Half the Sky Foundation.  So besides the work of the orphanage caregivers and other workers there, Half the Sky Nannies come into the orphanage and work with the babies and children.  The Chenzhou Half the Sky site has a link on their site that you can fill out and request reports on your child.  We did not do the requested donation of $300 as we had just recently adopted and did our donation at that time.  But Chenzhou Half the Sky will now be what we give to as a regular basis as a family.  I did receive the reports back.  They were the same as what we were given at the time of adoption...BUT they had the color photos.  Not having Emma with us when she was born or even before she turned one, has been really difficult for me lately, and this information is bitter sweet, as I'm sure it will be for Emma when she gets older as well. 

The photos and the report just confirm what we see daily...her development has no delays whatsoever.  And also shows the love the nannies from Half the Sky showed her.  But what always bothered me from all of the photos of Emma at the orphanage, is she looked so sad.  I know now she is as happy as can be and gets happier still every day.  But what kind of long term effects of not bonding with a Mother and being there will she have?  Recently, she ran away and back to me from an Asian man with a big camera.  She constantly, and sometimes with anxiety, takes her hand to our chests to confirm who we are and to herself.  It's little things we see that other families would not understand.

I went out of town for the scrap event and that was too soon to leave.  If she had been given to us by birth, I wouldn't be concerned with leaving her like that.  But with her only be with us 9 months, we can see she needs to feel more secure.  Since I've been back she's gone back to being very clingy and not letting either one of us (mainly Dennis right now since I'm the one that went out of town-which makes me very sad) out of her sight, shows me that was too soon to leave like that.

I had wanted to put a little video of pictures together using the song Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) by S.H.E.  So I used the very rare photos of Emma growing up her first year, the pictures of the orphanage and her crib given to us by the director, and some of the other pictures are from the Chenzhou Personal Blog.  And the last part is video of Emma first waking up on the third day of us together...she still looked so sad, but she was slowly started to notice that she had the same two people there for her every morning when she woke up, and her trying to do kisses, which she had done the very first morning with us (not even 24 hours together)...and definitely started to smile just a little more...

So this is bitter sweet and I wanted to share...

Untitled from Patricia Roebuck on Vimeo.

Here are the translated lyrics to Wo Ai Ni:

Using your eyes to see myself, the happiest reflection.
The connection that we hold in our hands is our guidance for tomorrow.
It doesn't matter near or far
When we embrace in heaven or wander in the wilderness.
I love you, I am willing to go
To whatever life I do not know
I love you, I am willing
Allowing you to step forward and decide (and decide and decide. . .)
The end of the world
Occasionally I don't really understand you
But who really understands themselves?
Sometimes the closer two people get
Is through hurt to prove it
Like worried and uncertain, I am stubborn and demanding
Afraid to show you're afraid, so you get angry
I love you, let me listen
To when you are tired and scared
I love you, I want to kiss your heart
That is stained to the limit. . .
I hold up all the love to push back the wind and the rain
To hold back the storm, want to let you breathe
The fault that was cut
Need time to heal
Dreams are tangled with suspicion
Cannot see the future clearly
So a tight embrace can deliver through strength and courage
I love you. . .
I love you so I want to go
To the unknown, any sort of life
I love you, let me listen
To when you are tired and scared
I love you, I want to kiss
Your heart that is strained to the limit
Wherever we go, we go together
Together to look at the stars
Walk out of a forest,
Share memories
To understand jealously,
To wait for the sun after the rain
To understand ourselves better,
To find meaning together
I love you
I can't not have you
I cannot not have you
I cannot not have you

Feeling the iky yicky ache of the lost year of not having that special bonding between a little baby and a mother...I did these art journal pages...

It's pretty obvious that she has blossomed and transformed since being home.  I used this photo of her at Gymboree when she first started to feel very comfortable being in the places we'd take her.  This was in it did take awhile for her to get to this point.  This is also a layout for Scrapping the Music. The song for this week's challenge is Rainbow Connection.  Awesome song that has so many possibilities but also such a fun happy please come join in on the fun and let me see what you create!!!

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1 comment:

  1. Your layout is gorgeous! I am so thankful that I was able to meet you on my trip to LA!


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