Mom took me to the "Husky" store as a kid, I never wore the cute clothes any of the other girls wore (of course, I think Mom had something to do with that), called names by my Dad and no encouragement from him or Mom...I was just wrong...all wrong, everything I did or said was wrong...
Living with E.D. (eating disorders) is what happens after growing up in that kind of environment.
In 1996, weighed over 220 and with the only encouraging family member I had, my husband, and learning how to eat, not diet, I slowly lost the weight, but still would struggle...stayed at a normal and healthy weight for several years, but, living with E.D. makes you want more...so followed Dr. Phil...was able to stay at a very small size for about a year and half, until Mom died suddenly, and then Katrina hit...couldn't regain the 'control' that the disease needed...turning to Weight Watchers to try to gain 'control' of my spiraling down life, lead to weight loss, but more dysfunction in my eating and body image...and now I realize that dieting of any kind is a trigger to the disease, making it worse and worse is what I got...no longer could I even maintain a healthy weight or image, I passed the weight right on up and kept going...and have gained more than I have had on me in over 10 years. Love the looks and remarks I get from people that haven't seen me in awhile...really helps fuel the disease let me tell ya.
With my life totally out of control and having no idea how to heal or grieve for Mom as a normal person should, I turned to the eating disorders website and found a counselor. She has been my best friend, totally gets me.
God had been telling me to quit my job for over three years and Mom's unexpected death and Katrina, woke me up to that along with the confirmation again from my counselor that it was not a healthy environment. 20 years of dedication and working my way up, I had a lot to lose. Very hard decision and very anti-climatic. I always knew that anyone is replaceable, and it was true. Very hard to adjust to not working and that's all I ever knew. Had to separate that from who I thought I was, and keep my distance from that kind of environment.
My counselor and I both share the same disease, both in our 40s, similar family experiences, as well as fertility issues and the grief that comes with that, and have both had foot injuries that have seriously affected our lives and exercising which makes the disease even worse. She is also now my yoga instructor...her husband is my foot doctor, and I have support from both of them, which I am beyond thankful for. With the support also of a general practioner who 'gets' that your mind and body are one and when one is not right, the other is not right as well...I'm taking Byetta injections to help with the insulin resistance that comes with women my age in pre-menapause.
I have felt so in the dark, trying to spiral back up again. But I know that I won't be that person ever again. I've walked away from way too much that has changed me forever. I've also cried and grieved over the fact that I will never be able to wear my smallest pair of pants ever again. I'm aware that now I just need to love myself for where I am...and do what my mind and body need...